Dear last day of 2009,

As a true caboose, there is not much more to say but:

Bring it in champ, bring it in.

2009 over and out.

Deuces,
Karen

Dear 2009,

Thanks for your time, but I think we are done here.

All the best in your future endeavors,

Karen

Dear 25-34 year old man...

unapologetically watching saved by the bell (the middle school years) on the bike this morning at NYSC,

One word for you: Nice.

Jealous that I didnt have head phones so i could watch it too regards,

Karen

Dear romper with lots of buttons and sash,

You were everything i hoped for in an outfit until I had to pee.

Note to self: drink no more water for the rest of the day.

Unbuttoning regards,
Karen

Dear being entirely too full,

You make me feel gross.

Regards with unbuttoned pants,

KG

Dear Billy Blanks,

What are you up to these days?

Curious and un tae-bo-ed regards,
KG

Dear weekend,

Please hurry.

Love,
Karen

Dear the time between breakfast and lunch,

I wish you were shorter.

Somewhat hungry regards,

Karen

Dear Diet Dr. Pepper,

Thanks for your caffeinated service.

xo,

Karen

Dear 25th birthday,

Thanks for 25 good years. And cake. Let's party.

Dancing with regards,
Karen

Dear bangs,

Welcome back.

Try not to be too high maintenance - it messes up my flow.

xo,
Karen

Dear Borders Rewards email coupons,

You are such a tease. Every time I look at my gmail and see that little (1) I get excited about who could have written me an amazing email only to find another slew of coupons that I will never use.

Yet I still dont have the heart to unsubscribe.

Please take my false hopes into consideration next time you hit send.

Email fail-ed regards,
Karen

Dear leaving earbuds at work over a holiday weekend,

Thanks for helping me realize that I, in fact, can survive a few days in NY without having a personal soundtrack at all times.

Kindest regards,

Karen

Dear September,

YES.

Lots of anticipated love,
Karen

Dear The Roasting Plant,

Thanks for the preview to Winter Wonderland but there is no need to have your thermostat at 42 degrees.That said, if someone wants to bring some sweaters or sweatpants to help a sister avoid hypothermia, I'm totally cool with that.
Kindest regards,
Karen

Dear orange juice pulp,

Get out of the way.

Kindest regards,

Karen

Dear that pose in yoga where you lie down,

Thank you for existing.

Love,
Karen

Dear dirty martinis served in a plastic cup,

You were easily followed by a bottle of Bud Light. Yes, Bud Light. You're better than that.

Don't let it happen again.

Best,
Karen

Dear Charisse,

The muffin has gone bad.

Sympathetic regards,
Karen F and Karen G

(for this note, 2 Karen's were better than 1)

Dear 3 glasses of wine,

Why do you always sound slightly more unacceptable than 2 glasses of wine?

Don't let the haters get to you.

Supportive regards,
Karen

Dear Jim's Pistachios,

You were my first. But thanks to a $7.99 Sunkist bag at Gristedes, you will not be my last.

Pistachios, welcome back to the office. And to my life.

Top drawer if anyone wants some.

Savory regards,

Karen

Dear 'several things' including but not limited to...

Charisse singing me "eye of the tiger" via gchat (but like forreal), Supriya's never-judgemental zen/late night emails, the Beyonce Pandora station and the idea of fuckingawesomecupid.com (big ups to A.R.):

Way to make Monday night feel like Funday night.

Thanks friends. I owe ya.

Re-energized and more friendly regards,
Karen

Dear Photoshop,

When a computer crashes/freezes/shuts down for any reason, how come you don't/can't/won't auto save or auto recover?

I mean Microsoft WORD does it for goodness sakes.

Now, the last 3 hours of my life are wasted...

--- Dear Photoshop, Autorecover my life. ----

Love, Karen

Dear cold cappuccino,

You're gross.

Bad-taste-in-my-mouthed regards,
Karen

Dear Hangover,

No one invited you. Don't be a party pooper.

No - but seriously.

Unwelcoming regards,
KG

Dear legs,

Why can't you be more awesome and know how to do the moonwalk?

Any attempt of M.J. moves will pay no sort of tribute whatsoever. Sad.

Uncoordinated regards,
Karen

Dear chai tea lattes,

It's time to bid farewell again for a while.

Thanks for all the good times. You will be missed old friend.

Amazingly yours,
Karen

Dear random girl who JUST made the A train today,

Only one A train goes to JFK and as you now know, you JUST got on the wrong one.

My heart goes out to you my friend. Charisse and I tried to help but alas, you were across a platform and in another (incorrect train). Hope you caught a later flight.


Regards,
Karen

Dear Wednesday,

After yesterday's Tuesday shenanigans, I retract any further invitations.

Let's just keep this casual.

Kindest regards,

Karen

Dear Tuesday,

Bring it.

Love,
Karen

Dear 5th floor bedroom window,

I know the weatherman said it was raining, but when I looked out the window (what I thought to be a more accurate and real time preview) you showed no rain.

Yet, I walk down all 5 flights (with no umbrella in hand) and get to the ground floor to experience what looked to be a steady drizzle.

Window forecast: FAIL.

Kind regards,
Karen

Dear Friday,

I feel like you were hiding out for a while but thanks for coming back around and bringing it in.

TGIF,
Karen

Dear pigeons outside my window,

shut up.

Love,
Karen

Dear Redbull,

Just because I have a job doesn't mean that energy should cost $2.50 a can. In any case, welcome back old friend.

Kind regards,
Karen

Dear big sunglasses,

Over the past few years I feel like you have become people's free cure for the common hangover.

Congrats my friend.

Karen

Dear Dunkin Donuts,

Not sure who invented donut holes but I'd like to shake that man/woman's hand.

Also, I think you SHOULD sell the holes individually. Sometimes, you just want a bite and the pressure to buy/have 4 is just too much. Because who can NOT eat a friendly donut hole when it's just sitting there?

Kind regards,
Karen

Dear Gchat video camera,

I got rid of you a few months ago and now you're just back.

It's too hot in my apt to video chat and not scare others. Please go back where you came from.

Love,

Karen

Dear healthy eating habbits,

Please come back.

Love,
Karen

Dear Craigslist posters,

The word "antique" has not been substituted for old, broken or hot mess.

Love,
Karen

Dear Spanglish producers,

How do you make "the sandwich" Adam Sandler tries to eat/where can I get one?

I tried today and it just didn't seem as amazing as that one was. My friends and I have been wondering for about 3 years now.

Love,
Karen

Dear February wind chill,

Just because your month gets gypped out of a few days each year, doesn't mean you need to come back and visit in late march.

It's rude to spring and just plain unnecessary.

Love,
Karen

Dear Kareoke singers,

Things that are not suggested: two awkward white girls attempting to sing "American Boy" by Kanye West and Estelle.

I'm not sure what part of that seemed like an amazing idea. But it wasn't friendly for the rest of us.

Kind regards,
Karen

Dear Tom Foolery,

Looking forward to a fabulous weekend with you and Shenanigans.

Love,
Karen

Dear NY gyms,

Can you provide a discounted month to month "jobless in the recession" special with no activation fee?

My bank account and caloric intake would appreciate it.

Love,
Karen

Dear Ellen and producers,

How come in some places you come on after Oprah and some places before? And sometimes, you come on at a random hour that doesn't even make sense?

Love,
Karen

Dear Jobs,

I feel like we are playing hide and seek.

Ollie ollie oxen free.

Love,
Karen